Lucas Loves Little People

Written by Lord Hart

What do 'Star Wars', 'Willow', 'Labyrinth', 'The Land Before Time' and 'Howard the Duck' all have in common with each other? The answer is George Lucas. Good ol' George served as either the Director or Producer on all these films. What else do they have in common with each other? The answer is midgets.

I've had this theory for many years now, that George Lucas must have a major hard-on for midgets, or to be more politically correct: "little people". I first took notice of this after years of watching these movies and finally beginning to wonder why they had so many midgets in them featured as the heroes or as the main characters, and then finally realising that Lucas was apart of each movie.

Now, you may be sitting there thinking, "No way. That theory is stupid.", but the proof exists in the films he has been apart of. Lets take a look at the facts. 'Star Wars IV: A New Hope' was Lucas' first big film, as we should all know, but it is also the first film in which his love for midgets becomes apparent. The absolute masses of Droids, the numerous Jawas, the little Mouse looking guy squeaking in the Mos Eisley Cantina for a drink and so on. All midgets.

'Empire Strikes Back' continues the trend by featuring a new race of midget aliens, this time the little pig looking guys on Cloud City who mess about with C-3P0s blasted remains and annoy Chewbacca. I'm sure he even though about having a midget dressed up as an alien for Yoda as well, instead of the superb puppet work that was eventually featured in the film. And then we have 'Return of the Jedi'.



Thats right, the Ewoks. Hundreds of them. Now you know the TRUE reason why 'Jedi' ended up featuring a bunch of furry midgets instead of a horde of furry seven foot tall guys in Wookie outfits. Not because of budgetary constraints. Not because of "making it appealing to children". It was because Lucas is a dirty, DIRTY man.

Why else do you think that the only cartoons based upon the Star Wars series up until the release of the 'Clone Wars' mini-cartoons were the god awful 'Droids' and 'Ewoks' cartoons in the 80's? Two midget based creations of Lucas, which he wanted the world to see more of. This is also the reason why the only spin-off movies featured Ewoks. Not Boba Fett. Not any of the awesome characters from the movies or books. Ewoks.

Let's move onward to the first of the prequel Star Wars movies. 'The Phantom Menace' once again features a midget in one of the leads, at least in acting talent, with Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker.

Okay, that one is a bit of a stretch, but 'Phantom Menace' does indeed feature a true-to-life midget, playing THREE seperate roles. That midget is long-time Lucas love toy, Warwick Davis aka Wicket aka Willow. The first role is that of Yoda, during scenes in which Yoda is seen walking. Secondly, he plays a young child which many people believe to be a young Greedo, of Han Shot First infamy (even though they are the same species, they aren't one and the same... oh, and Han didn't shoot first, he is the ONLY one that fucking shoots). His third role is that of some spectator during the pod-race, where he got only one or two half-a-second scenes. Perhaps George was a little low on the love that day? If there are any other midgets in the movie, I don't seem to remember them.

But now, lets go back to the 80's again, and take a look at the undisputed king of midget movies, 'Willow'. Once again featuring Warwick Davis, this movie tells the story of a "Nelwyn" (I guess thats a fancy way to say midget) embarking on a journey far from his home to save the world. As you can probably tell, the movie featured scores of midgets, mostly in the beginning part of the movie which is set in the Nelwin village. Not only is there Warwick Davis, but you can catch glimpses of Mr R2D2 himself, Kenny Baker and then the legendary Billy Barty, who apart from Baker and Davis, is the most recognisable midget actor of all time. But wait, theres more! For i'm guessing the first and perhaps the only time, George even managed to get some hot midget women in the film... good one George!

Speaking of Willow brings me to the next point, and the fact that the animated movie 'The Land Before Time' features a midget. How can that be, when it is animated? Well, it seems that the voice actress who did the voice of Ducky, Judith Barsi (otherwise known as Mike Brodys daughter in JAWS: The Revenge!), who was still a young girl at the time, was in fact a midget due to her abnormally small size, even for her age. Apparently she was about two feet shorter than most "small" girls her age, which officially classes her as a midget in all definitions of the word. Sure, she might have still had time to grow, except for the fact she was blown away or something at the age of about 10.



'Labyrinth' is another film in which a horde of midgets appear, the main one being Hoggle, the little ugly guy who befriends Jennifer Connellys extremely hot ass. Which reminds me, if you ever want to imagine her ass being pounded, just download some porn videos of a chick named Kacey. It's like they are twins! Sexy twins of hotness!



Anyway, back onto 'Labyrinth'. Like I was saying earlier, this movie contains a horde of midgets who usually portray the goblins as they run about. The main sequence of this is during the scene in the Goblin City when Ludo calls for the rocks, and makes them chase the goblins about, which is quite a riot!!!

Good news about Labyrinth, is that the movie is set to get a sequel within a year or two, so i'm sure that there will be even more opportunities for midget actors as long as George is even mentioned to have anything to do with this film. Lets just hope that the film is as good as the first movie, and that it doesn't suck like most other recent Henson films and shows made in the last decade or so.

And now, finally... let us move onto a movie so bad that the midget lover had to disown it, just like he did to the Star Wars Christmas Special thing (which I can't seem to remember if it featured a midget). 'Howard the Duck'. For those that have never seen the movie, be glad, as it is absolutely shit and to see it makes you feel as though you've just been ass-raped by a gang of llamas, not that I know what that would even feel like, it just sounds apt.

Anyway, the movie is based on the Marvel Comics character of the same name, and is about an anthropomorphic duck from another dimension or planet or whatever it was, being pulled into our universe by some experiment. Its pretty much the same origin of the Martian Manhunter who was created back in the 1940s for DC Comics. They then throw in a freaky love story between the freaking duck, and Lea Thompson, the mother from the Back to the Future movies who in this movie plays a struggling rock star. Its been ages since I saw the movie, so I can't say if they had hot midget-duck/human sex, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is something like that in there, or if it was implied. Next, they added some crap about another experiment which has brought some huge ass creature thing call the Dark Overlord of the Universe through to Earth as well, and as you can guess, the midget-duck ends up saving the day. Hoorah!

I think the only reason why anyone has actually seen this movie is because of the movie poster and the video cover, where it shows Howard sitting on a recliner reading a magazine whilst smoking a cigar. This appealed to the comic fans, who might have thought that this movie would of been something similar to the comics, which it kind of isn't, and it appealed to normal movie goers and kids in the fact that it is a freaking DUCK smoking a cigar and reading. You don't see that everyday. In fact, that is the only reason why I saw the movie. When I was young, I saw the cover in a video store, and got my parents to rent it for me, ignoring the comments from my older brother who had seen it and was telling me it sucked ass.

So there you have it, alot of random coincidences that i'm shoving down your throat and saying is absolute proof that George Lucas loves little people. I probably haven't convinced anyone reading this of his sexual fetish, but now you will have this sickening thought embedded in your head the next time you watch one of the movies I have mentioned above. Just imagine, the next time you see an Ewok, you'll be thinking of George fondling it which is a scary thought.

Oh, by the way, in fact checking for this article, it actually amazed me that Lucas had nothing to do with that awesomely brilliant Terry Gilliam film, 'Time Bandits', which features a whole slew of midgets as the protagonists. I had always believed that he had been a producer on the film, but alas, he was not.